Joy and Loss

Haven't posted for a long while as I haven't quite known what to say. There don't seem to be adequate words. We had quite a surprise at the beginning of December when we learned we were expecting another baby! I don't think I will ever forget the look on Britt's face. He smiled and I could see the joy in his eyes at the thought of being a daddy again.

I was worried about telling Nicole as she had expressed many times she didn't want any more kids in the family. Two was just perfect. When we told her, though, I was so relieved. Her eyes grew wide and she got a big smile on her face and said with joy, "Yeah! I get another baby brother or sister." She drew pictures and notes telling her teacher about the baby in her mommy's tummy. It was very precious.

We just told those closest to us. My friend Michelle surprised me with a gift one night. A stuffed animal, some decaf coffee and a pregnancy magazine. It meant so much to me. I took the magazine on the airplane to California.

Britt flew to Sacramento the day before the girls and I flew to L.A. (We met in Coarsegold a few days later.) Just after he left I got a call from the doctor. My hormone levels weren't doubling as they should. They sent me for an ultrasound. I was so afraid and felt so alone. Trying to brace myself for the worst, I held my breath and fell apart crying when I saw this little tiny heartbeat on the screen. Our baby was alive and his or her little heart was beating inside of me! Relief and joy washed over me.

We decided to tell our family at Christmas. It was definitely a surprise.

We wanted to include the first grandchild (and only grandson) on the Davis side so we told Chase the news. We had a little bit of a problem getting Allyson to settle down so we could make the announcement! 

We framed an ultrasound picture for my parents to tell them the news.

A couple of days after we returned to Missouri I had my first OB appointment. Britt stayed home from work that day as Allyson was sick and we didn't want to take her to the office with all the pregnant people. Since it ended up just being a cold we decided to take the girls as Britt really wanted to be there. I am so glad.

In the waiting room I read an article that, after seeing your child's heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage is less than 2%. It was surprising as we had already lost another baby after seeing the heartbeat. We felt confident that everything was fine. When we finally got to see the doctor she did an ultrasound. We were laughing and talking and then I saw her face get a more serious look. She said the baby measured 6 weeks, 2 days. We knew then as I was supposed to be 8 weeks along.

It's impossible to explain the grief to someone who has never lost a baby before ever having the chance to hold it or even give it a name. I can only say we loved this precious child and wanted him or her to be part of our family so much. We look forward to having the chance to hold our baby in Heaven one day.